My tour of Bezos’ Balls

Sneak peak inside the most coveted globes in Seattle

Samantha Margot, Features Editor
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED October 25, 2019

Nothing says “I’m a nerd with a lot of testosterone and too much money” quite like three enormous glass balls gushing with multiple hemispheres and hundreds of plants. Bezos’ Balls are the pinnacle of modern design—a new age architecture admired by all—a type that displays the most vulnerable part of oneself out in the open. Obviously, Uncle Jeff has unprecedented strength.

Luckily, I was able to get up close and personal with them using an anonymous mole. Under cover of darkness and away from the prying eyes of any Jeffbots, my contact managed to break control for a few precious moments to conduct a hush hush interview. Her report detailed our local overlord desiring a different location for his magnum opus. “I heard he got his balls on discount, that this location was second choice.”

Since his balls dropped, they’ve been a topic of controversy to the Seattle area and Seattlites are tired of choking on them. Bezos has trickled wealth and tech into the city, and the repercussions seem to outweigh the benefits.

Though it seems if Seattlites are really as tired of gagging on his orbs as they claim, then they would stop feeding their material greed via the omniscient and omnipotent Amazon empire. The more we depend on Uncle Jeff, the more his divine right is asserted.

Upon first entering the globes, visitors are knocked back; I was lost in a haze of muggy heat when my guide smiled sympathetically, “he takes a lot out of you the first couple times.”

Clearing the fog from my mind, I was able to register the intense musk that saturated the balls. I was surprised by the amount of techbots that radiated unease as they swam through the swampy environment that inhabited the spheres—although I understand Amholes wanting to remain close to home.

The largest package in Seattle is hairy with epiphytes on the walls and various plants from around the world sprouting from tree trunks and the floors. Each floor was overwhelmed with techbots communicating forbidden launch codes and the secrets to world domination.

The Pied Piper (AKA Bezos, king of gluttony) murmured into the ears of each member of the geek squad; he sang diddies about the colonization of space, whispered seductively about the demolition of all resistors, and cried out orgasmically about Prime Day.

Jeff’s Balls cast a large shadow over the City of Seattle and few can dare hope to step out into the sun. However, they make for a beautiful sight surrounded by towering skyscrapers and disgusted pedestrians. Next time you happen to stop by the Seattle Spheres, feel free to show a little love, lord knows the last time they were caressed.