Queen Elizabeth’s death spurs ‘woke’ decision in selection of new monarch

In the wake of Queen Elizabeth’s death, the new-wave revolution of pronouns and cancel culture has swept over the British Isles. Confronted with an ever changing world, the British government has chosen a man to be the new queen!


Arden Rathkopf, Staff Photographer

For decades, the good people of the United Kingdom have pondered at the thought of who would replace the late Elizabeth, who ruled over the Commonwealth from the time of her coronation at the age of 25 until her death in 2022, reigning as queen for a record breaking four centuries.
Now commemorated as the longest ruling monarch, Elizabeth outlived the Ming Dynasty, Moghul Empire and the Renaissance, as well as figures such as Confucious, Leonardo Da Vinci and William Shakespeare.
Elizabeth’s rule was not easy, as she was burdened to rule through the American Revolution, a moderate shortcoming in her divine power, both World Wars and several golden carriage rides through the bumpy cobbles of London’s streets.
In her free time, Elizabeth enjoyed such pastimes as drinking tea, avoiding interaction with people and watching servants raise her weird dogs.
Now, after the Queen’s death on Sept. 8, the people of the Commonwealth either rejoice or, in the case of many, repulse at the news of their new queen, which – according to our reports – was decided in an emergency meeting of the House of Lords called shortly after Her Majesty’s passing.
After a private meeting that lasted until the early hours of Sept. 10, men in funny looking, tall hats emerged from that building attached to Big Ben to announce that, in the spirit of inclusion and gender neutrality, a man would be crowned Queen of England!
Charles, who is expected to reign for at least 256 years, has apparently no connection to the late Queen Elizabeth, and was seemingly the best choice to rise to the duties of a monarch. A surprising decision given that, if Parliament had done any kind of background check whatsoever, they would have found a very troubling relationship history that ended in disaster.
The announcement of Charles as the new queen raises many questions. Has wokeness gone too far? Should England keep the tradition of crowning a female queen? Plus, why would they choose Charles to be queen, when they could have easily selected someone like Elton John! I mean the man is already a queen in his own right! Or even Harry Styles! Or Matt Smith! The list goes on and on. Even that redhead British guy who did an interview with Oprah Winfrey on how he moved to California to escape his racist family back in the UK? Even he would make a better queen than Charles and his short, stubby little sausage fingers.
Despite criticism, Queen Charles is here to stay for the next few hundred years, as is commemorated in the new British currency, doing away with the French inscription “Dieu et mon droit,” or “God and my Right,” and opting for a more topical, “Slay queen!” The currency will portray queen Charles in drag, as it is how he usually makes public appearances.
In any case, Queen Charles is here, he’s not queer, he’s got big ears and he’s making his premiere as England’s first male queen. A monument to a changing world.