Every passing period a wild herd of underclassmen flood the halls in front of me. Like Roman soldiers they fan out, walking shoulder to shoulder, creating an impenetrable and unpassable garrison of prepubescence. There is no breaking their battalion, they will win this battle, and every battle every passing period after that.

What is this moronic mutiny of students’ primary objective? To walk as slowly as possible. Like sloths but not at all cute, these underclassmen saunter down the halls minding their precious time. Maybe they will stop for tea with their friends or grab a quick bite with their buddies, but don’t you dare think they will let you pass by.

For the millions of students across our school who are chronologically inclined, or maybe just have long legs, walking behind these human tortoises is an excruciating game of mental hysteria. When I am unable to power walk and zone out I start to think about the cruel realities of the world. “Oh my, I am failing language arts” one might think and then manically spiral over. It is because of these slow little children clogging our hallways that depression rates are rising, but don’t think I will let them get away with hurting my brethren.

I come to you today, the morally sound students of BHS, with a proposal to once and for all rid us of this tyranny. My proposal may be called by some critics “overtly violent and unnecessarily cruel” but as an amateur powerwalker I will not let my freedoms be impinged! Also like we’re doing it for like mental health or some noble thing.

My proposal is as follows:

1. Buy a used snow plow from a local ski slope. (always buy locally sourced goods)
2. Officially name the snow plow “The Slow-Poke Sled”.
3. Put the slow-poke sled in the hallways and start driving.
4. People who do not walk fast enough will be caught in the torrential misery of the plows big snow pusher thingy.
5. Fast people can walk faster.

In our ever changing socio-economic and political climate the name of the game is efficiency. Why our schools are getting complacent in fostering this ideal is abysmally un-understandable. We should not be teaching our youth that it is ok to slowly meander down the halls, that only leads to complacency and laziness. And yeah, maybe a $50,000 snow plow (I think we should spring for the heated seats) is not the most efficient use of our schools money, I think it is the best step in weeding out these bad influences from our halls. If they wanted to be slow they should have been born in europe!