Absurdity Unveiled

Using the bathrooms at Ballard is easily the most enjoyable experience this school has to offer. To give you insight on this, a few weeks ago my friend was mid-poop in the girls bathroom and in order to make sure she didn’t fall down the toilet, school staff fearlessly risked the stench to shout at her to exit the stall immediately and return to class – despite the potential mess. Being screamed at made her realize that the worksheet on factors was indeed riveting, and the shouting adult was right: that worksheet was far more of a priority than listening to her own bodily needs. 

Same for “that time of the month!” Honestly, us girls should just start free-bleeding all over the seats in an effort to stay in class. Teachers are always so understanding of this experience – especially men. I love being badgered by my teachers on why I’m using the bathroom until I have no other option but to declare “I’m on my period!” for the whole world to hear. Having a period is the most delightful experience one can have, and the school really honors this time by allowing me autonomy over my own body’s schedule. The empty tampon and pad dispensers in the girls bathrooms prove to be a constant reminder that this school truly does care.

The security guards’ dedication to protecting female students is inspirational. The fact that they’re comfortable (as men) barging into the girls restroom at all times during the day and harassing us to get to class by banging loudly on walls and yelling is such a brave and effective way to make girls feel more comfortable taking care of their personal needs, especially because you know these guys understand your experiences. Not to mention, a great way to wake up in the morning. Ditch that coffee from Top Banana – you won’t need it anymore because these security guards have got your back.

Fortunately for boys, our school allows you to compare while peeing since there is no privacy at all. Worried you aren’t “normal”? Now you can know for sure as there’s absolutely no dividers between urinals. It’s a great way to encourage students to connect with each other on a much, much deeper level that they didn’t even know they needed. 

Having a bad day? Need a moment to just cry it out in the bathroom with a friend? Lucky for you this school has got your emotional needs covered. They know that the perfect fix at this moment is someone banging on the stall telling you to GET BACK TO CLASS! Your tears will evaporate instantaneously, leaving you instantly prepared for that chem test you didn’t study for.

I concede that administrators are concerned with some of the vaping habits of students at our school, but I can assure you that breaking down the bathroom stall door unfortunately won’t solve anyone’s nicotine addictions. Trust me, they’re dedicated. Or maybe administrators just want to be included in the small-talk behind the closed doors of these flimsy bathroom stalls. If that’s the case, just knock and maybe you’ll be let in.