Removal of Bathroom Mirrors Sparks Student Outrage

Unable to view themselves in the mirror, male students have lost the ability to flex

Claude Brun, Staff Reporter
Originally published May 4, 2018


Our school clearly has a bathroom problem. Straight A students have been reported missing from class for long periods of class, going home to use the bathroom, terrified of running into a pack of vicious sophomore Juul addicts crowded in a school bathroom. Without the proper surveillance, the bathrooms have also become a safe haven for many other sorts of debaucherous acts.

According to a statement given to the Talisman by head custodial engineer Julius Paxton “Male students have been carving obscene images into nearly all of the mirrors,” prompting the removal of every mirror in every boys bathroom. This statement however, has been met with many questions poking holes in the story the administration has spread. These images—mostly of the phallic nature—are not prominent in a way that obscures the mirrors enough so that they aren’t usable… so why have they really been removed? What behavior has been halted most by the removal of all the mirrors in the boys bathrooms? If you’re a male student, you know.

It’s ok guys, it’s hard to admit that the inability to check our hair and/or outfit has had real repercussions for us. The truth is that the administration is sick of male students leaving class for extended periods of time to make sure they’re looking good. Sadly, this has been seen by many as a restriction of the male teenager’s number one naturally endowed right: the right to flex. Without the ability to make sure their metaphorical (or literal for some people) peacock tail is looking good, male students have been unable to gather the confidence to confront romantic interests. The “quiet work time” once allocated for subtle flirtation has been replaced with awkward conversations about homework and the weather, with the occasional averted gaze from the male student who longs for the days of the past where he could flirt with the confidence that his hair looked on point and his hoodie strings were even. Those days are no longer.

The repercussions are starting to be noticed, as relationships and general happiness are dropping. “The empty mirror frames reflect the feeling of emptiness that accompanies the repression of our right to see if we’re looking on fleek,” said a student who wishes to remain unnamed.

While Paxton promises that the mirrors will be back next year, it may be too late. The once notoriously confident men of Ballard High could be reduced to blubbering children. Striped of their right to view themselves in the mirror, their bodies may stop producing the testerone needed to one day fuel the human reproductive cycle. We could be talking an end of bro culture as we know it. And no they can’t “just take a selfie” as Mr. Paxton suggests. It just doesn’t work like that.