Satire: The Forbidden Fruit of 2018

A sneak peak into the life of a Tide Pod addict

Mitra Shafii, Staff Reporter
Originally published February 14, 2018

A popular meme about eating laundry detergent pods has been circulating the internet for a few months. In hopes of understanding why people have the urge to eat detergent, I talked with a Ballard student who is addicted to eating Tide Pods. The student wishes to remain anonymous.

Me: How long have you been addicted to Tide Pods?

Student: Hm. I’d say about a month.

How did you become addicted?

I was just hanging out with my friends and one of them saw a meme about putting Tide Pods on pizza and he said he’d give me $5 if I ate one. I was already curious about them so I figured why not? That was the night I fell in love with them.

What do you like about Tide Pods?

Absolutely everything. The colors. The design. The way the plastic pops open when you bite into it. The consistency of the liquid. And most of all, the taste. It also leaves your breath smelling fresh so I don’t even brush my teeth anymore.

Are you worried about dying from them?

Nah, not really. It’s crossed my mind, but then I realized that millions of things can kill you every day. We’re all gonna die one day and so many people die without really living their best life. I don’t care when I go as long as it happens while I’m doing something I love.

How many do you think you’ve eaten?

I’ve probably eaten about 100 pods so far. I usually have one when I wake up, one for lunch, and one before bed, and occasionally I’ll have one for a snack. The effects last a while so I can usually get through the day with just three.

Are your parents worried?

They were at first. They tried to find a rehab facility for me to go to, but none of them would take me. They’ve pretty much given up now.

What will you do if they’re discontinued?

Wow I don’t even want to think about that happening. I don’t think they’ll ever be discontinued. On the off chance they are, I would probably buy hundreds of bags and create a stockpile that will hopefully last until I die. One alternative that I’ve tried is just straight up snorting Tide laundry detergent. It has the same effects of a pod but it has a mountain spring scent which makes it extra enjoyable for your nose. But nothing can beat the feeling of that smooth liquid detergent burning your throat as it slides down. It’s a very cleansing experience. Some people do juice cleanses, I do Tide Pod cleanses.

Have you tried Cascade Pods?

Yeah. They’re okay in a pinch but they definitely aren’t up to Tide level. Dishwasher detergent is a little too chemically for me, you know?

Thank you so much for sitting down with me.

Oh, it was my pleasure. Hey, do you wanna try one?

Ooh, yes please.

*The Talisman does not condone the consumption of laundry detergent pods. This article is entirely satirical. None of the interview content is real.