Satire: Attraction & Distraction

Controversy over the high school dress code has a simple solution

Keegan Perkins, Staff Reporter
Originally published May 28, 2014

Around 6000 B.C.E. when Oogak III invented clothing, it’s doubtful he anticipated high school dress codes.

Today, despite curriculum changes  and insufficient funding for basic education, the dress code is the largest issue we face at school.

Many administrators claim that the biggest problem is distraction created by students’ (mainly of the female variety) clothing, or lack thereof, in a learning environment.

For some this may come as a surprise, but it turns out 30 teenagers crammed into a small room are more infatuated with each other than they are with parabolas.*

Administration has vowed to adopt stricter enforcement of the policy set by the school district, but there is only one clear fool-proof solution the mass distraction plaguing the halls. The immediate expulsion of all attractive students.

For years, the beautiful and handsome have held back the great minds of a new generation, simply by wearing the hell out of a pair of jeans.

The removal of this demographic would guide Ballard’s wandering eyes off that booty and back to the whiteboard. Without low-cut shirts and short shorts mercilessly holding them back, the future Einsteins within Ballard’s walls will be propelled to their full potential, a feat impossible with the presence of students that are just too easy on the eyes.

Of course there are potential downsides to this proposal, including the loss of yours truly, but the discovery and eradication of weapons of mass distraction must not be undervalued.

Some would even point out the pure impracticality of this proposal, based on the muddled line between pretty and pretty ugly. Clearly, these individuals need either a self-esteem boost or swift kick of reality. The division of those with and without the attractive gene is simple.

The separation can be represented by the graph of the function of the square root of fashion sense rated on a scale of 1 to 100 times the length of the hypotenuse of a right scalene triangle where the second longest side equals the rating of the subject’s face on a scale of 0 to 54 divided by the number of creepy and annoying things the subject does to the third power. If the product of this equation is greater than 21, the student will face expulsion and banishment until appropriate standards of zits, blemishes and patches of misplaced hair are acquired.

Students deemed too distracting will be temporarily relocated to educational rehabilitation facilities and prescribed adderall.

Ballard’s flawless teaching and riveting coursework have been marred by attractive students for too long. The problem is not tight pants and low shirts, the problem is what’s inside tight pants and low shirts. Clothes don’t distract people, hot people distract people.

It’s time Ballard’s hot people paid the price for their appearance.

*Fact supported by Ballard Talisman Bureau of Common Sense ™