Danny Edwards, Guest Writer
Originally published May 5th, 2020

There comes a time once a year when couples all around the world gather to celebrate a crazy little thing called love. But love was not on my mind this last Valentines Day, no, I had a much more important thing to think about. For months I waited in eager anticipation along with two of my closest friends for The Sonic Movie tickets to go on sale. In November of 2019, we three made a plan to attend The Sonic Movie on Valentine’s day. I say plan, it was really more of an unbreakable pact. Included in this was the stipulation that if you, in fact, were cuffed when the great day of love rolled around, it did not matter. Sonic above everything. This outing was then dubbed “The Platonic Sonic Date.”

It should be noted that Valentines Day of 2020 was not the initial release date. After the first trailer was released, fans were so angry at Sonic’s (hideous) character design, that Twitter actually managed to bully the studio into completely redesigning him.

Anyway, we strolled into the Pacifc Place AMC immediately after school. I could not contain my excitement. Snacks and refreshments were a must, but I was enraged to find that the blue part of the ICEE machine was not in function. If there’s ever a time to enjoy an electric blue drink, it’s seeing The Sonic Movie. Nevertheless, I settled for coca cola and we took our seats. 

There is literally no good place to start. This movie is the most incredible cinematic production I have ever seen. There are no words to describe, but I will try.

First of all, Jim Carey as Robotnik is easily the best casting decision ever made. I am entirely convinced that they didn’t even give him a script, they just put the mustache on him and said “GO!” Careys portrayal of the doctor is one I will not soon forget. He haunts my dreams. What’s even more incredible is Robotnik’s minion, Dr. Stone (Lee Majdoub). While he is just a regular ol’ sidekick, the sexual tension is impalpable. Perhaps what first gave me this connotation was when Robotnik told Stone to choke himself against a wall- and he did it. 

But wait, there’s more! Tom (James Marsden) and Maddie (Tika Sumpter) are a cute couple living in a small town somewhere. Tom is a police officer, but then gets a job offer as a cop in a bigger city! Wow! But uh oh, when he’s packing, a little blue electric hedgehog breaks into his house because Jim Carey- sorry- Robotnik wants his electricity for the United States government because it has unlimited power! Did I mention that Robotnik is employed by Uncle Sam? Tom freaks out for a second but then for some reason decides to help this alien thing and in the process gets him and Sonic labeled as domestic terrorists. I cannot make this up. Oh yeah, and Maddie seems moderately fine with all of this once she learns what’s going on.

If that didn’t convince you that this is the greatest movie of all time, this has to: there are at least TWO references to Olive Garden! In one of which they say they slogan in its entirety! I nearly cried. Not to mention, the United States apologizes to Sonic and Tom for wrongfully labelling them as domestic terrorists by giving them a $50 Olive Garden gift card. Enough said.

Also, Ben Schwartz’s performance of Sonic is immaculate. He captures the psychotic little creature in such a playful way. If a blue alien that didn’t really resemble a hedgehog broke into my house, I’d imagine he’d sound exactly like that. I’d watch the movie again just for Sonics quips alone. 

So if you and your lover are looking for a romantic way to spend an evening, look no further. Sonic is here. This movie made me laugh hysterically, weep uncontrollably, and leave the theatre knowing that I will never see another production up to its caliber. And even if you don’t have anyone special, you can still have a platonic sonic date.